I wrote this about a month ago and never actually got around to posting it. I just re-read all of this and its interesting b/c before I wrote it, I kept thinking about these things over and over. After I finally wrote it all down, it was out of my head. It’s also interesting how feelings/emotions continue to change as time keeps going by. I thought that maybe I’d just give up on the blog, but then I read this article about grieving parents and really identified with much of it. So I guess I’m grieving normally and in a healthy way. I also realized that other people don’t understand what it’s like (who haven’t lost someone, specifically a baby) and may want to know. The other thing I realized was that there are also probably other people grieving a similar type of loss and having similar feelings, but don’t know that their feelings are similar and normal and ok. So, I post a month late. . .
Well, here we are, two months later. I don’t know if losing a baby ever “gets better.” I think it just gets different.
I guess after two months now, it seems a bit less surreal. I think it has sunken in more that I really had another baby and he really died, even though it is still strange b/c it was such a brief moment in time. At first I would be really sad whenever I would think about the day we had to say goodbye to Jacob and just how sad all of that was in and of itself. Now it’s more like I just randomly get sad for no specific reason. I could be fine one minute and then the next just feel sad. Weird…
I also realized that even though I know (I think) Jacob is in a perfectly great place, there is still this mama part of me that wants to make sure he’s taken care of. Like sometimes when I pray, I ask God if he’ll hold and rock Jacob for me. And even though I know that he isn’t really at the cemetery and it’s just his body, I feel like if we left Muncie that we’d be leaving him behind. I know that is kind of silly, but I’m just telling you what goes through this mind of mine. =)
There is also this anxiety when it comes to being in public or attending some event. I haven’t let this keep me from doing things, but sometimes right before I arrive somewhere, all of a sudden I realize that someone might ask how my summer was or how many kids I have or maybe remembered seeing me pregnant. I don’t want to just drop a bomb on someone and be Debbie Downer, but I also don’t want to not acknowledge Jacob’s life. So sometimes it’s hard to know how to answer those questions.
Sometimes I’m just so over being sad. I know it’s okay to be sad and I can’t help being sad and it’s perfectly understandable as to why I would be sad, but I just get sick of it sometimes. I also feel like I’m now known as “the girl whose baby died.” This could all just be my perception, but I want to still be able to be viewed as a normal person whom it just so happens lost a baby. I think that people aren’t sure what to say. Should they bring it up or should they not? Will it make me sad? If you are one of those people, I completely understand and I would probably be the same way. I am actually really bad at ever having anything “good” to say when it comes to comforting someone. I’m always at a loss for words and frankly just don’t know what I could say. Some people are just naturals at that. If you are not a natural, like me, here is some insight as to how I feel about such encounters: 1. It most likely won’t make me sad if you bring up Jacob or ask how I’m doing. I actually don’t mind answering questions and doing so even helps me process how I am actually feeling out loud. 2. I like to be able to reference Jacob or talk about him just like I would any other kid of mine without it being like he is a taboo subject. 3. Not that our time together always needs to revolve around this topic, but not acknowledging it ever makes me wonder if the person felt it would just be too awkward or were worried about my reaction or if he/she just didn’t care enough to ask.
We officially decided on a grave marker. It will be much nicer having a marker with his name and not just a little patch of newish sod. It should be installed before fall is over.
If you’re interested in the medical stuff, read on, if not, you can skip this. =)
I called this week to ask about the autopsy results. We basically didn’t get a whole lot of new information. There were some “puzzling” things, as the doctor put it. The most common reason for hydrocephalus is a narrowing or blockage in the aqueduct b/w the 3rd and 4th brain ventricles and is what we all presumed was the reason for Jacob’s because he didn’t have any signs that come with the other reasons for hydro . However, the autopsy showed that the aqueduct wasn’t too narrow or blocked. So we just don’t know what the cause was, which is weird. Another puzzling thing was that he had iron deposits in his liver. The Dr. said he’d never seen this in a baby and was usually only seen in people with anemia that have had lots of blood transfusions and get an overload of iron. Also, his brainstem was fully formed, but the doctor thought that all of the pressure from the fluid probably caused it to not function properly which would mean it didn’t tell the lungs to do the breathing movements in utero which led to the lungs being small/underdeveloped. They’re still going to look into it a little more and run it past some genetic counselors and see if there was some “global” condition he had that all of his anomalies were linked to. Since there are so many unknowns, we still don’t really know if it is genetic and what the chances of having another baby with similar issues. And to be honest, in my mind, I don’t really think about that too much b/c: A.) We’ll just trust God and B.) I think that the chance is totally worth taking if we did have another healthy baby. We were anxious to hear the autopsy results, somewhat out of curiosity and somewhat for future kids. I guess we’ll just have to settle for maybe never knowing and that’s okay. (Since then another genetic counselor called and said they still couldn’t come up with anything.)
Wow, so that was a lot of info and a LOT of different topics. Maybe I should post more frequently so there won’t be information overload!!!! I guess we just weren’t sure whether to keep this blog going or not. . .