Monday, August 11, 2008

One month later. . .

It’s already been a whole month since we lost little Jacob. It all still seems a bit surreal. We were walking through the cemetery a couple of weeks ago looking at grave markers. Who would’ve ever thought young parents like us would be walking through a cemetery picking out a grave marker for our child at age 28? Based on all of the graves, apparently it happens way more than we realized. It’s strange to me how life just goes on. I often feel like I don’t know what to do with my life now. It isn’t so much because I’m just too upset or distraught to function. It’s more of the fact that for the past nine months I had been envisioning and planning what my new life would be like with two kids, getting two kids ready, taking care of a newborn and a toddler, etc. Now I have to re-route, I guess.

I’m surprised by how much I miss someone so much that I really never even got the chance to know. I barely got to hold Jacob, but I miss holding him and miss his sweet face. I’m so thankful for the photos that were taken that I have to remember him. I often wish he were here and I had the chance to raise my second son and that we were going to get his one month photos taken. I am also reminded, however, that I really don’t even know what the quality of his life would’ve been like if he would’ve made it. I wonder if it would be more difficult to have him here with me but not get to communicate and interact with him than for him to not be here at all. This gives me perspective and helps me understand our merciful God a little more. I am comforted by the fact that God has Jacob with Him where he is now whole instead of him possibly living on this earth bound by a brain and body that didn’t function properly. I was checking on the hydrocephalus chat board the other day and there was a mom who had posted about her son throwing up (indicating a shunt malfunction) and having to take him to the hospital right away. His ventricle had collapsed and he had to have an external shunt temporarily and the possibly two more shunts placed. Even though I miss Jacob, reading about that made me thankful that I don’t have to go through all of that panic and worry and that my baby doesn’t have to go through all of the pain and surgery (even though I would’ve done it in heart beat if I had the chance). It’s such a strange phase to be in. One of longing for what I can’t have, yet accepting that I don’t have it (him) because I know this is how it’s supposed to be.

I guess the point of this blog entry is to give a little insight on how I’m doing. For the most part, I really am doing pretty well. I’m generally in good spirits and enjoying this new life although a piece seems to be always missing. I have a beautiful, sweet little boy that I’m grateful for and a wonderful, caring, fun husband. Water leaks out of my eyes way more that it ever has and I sleep on a wet pillow a few nights a week. Other than that, things are pretty “normal.”

This weekend my sisters-in-law came to town and planned a special day of pampering. Lunch at Tea in the Country, facials, manicures, girl talk. . . It was a nice relaxing day. We then had dinner and cake for Scott’s 29th birthday! It was great to have them here and to help me not think about the fact that Jacob would’ve been one month old. Everyone has been so sweet and thoughtful in the different ways they have encouraged us and gone out of their way to make us feel special and loved. We are ever so grateful.