Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

When we were in the NICU there were a few huge photos of some babies on the wall in the hallway. Each picture frame had a sort of collage of the baby when it was in the NICU and then another image of the child at an older age with a little bit of their story and what they overcame. Well, Miami Valley is expanding their NICU and doing this big renovation. They want to put up something for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and asked if they could put pictures of Jacob on the wall. Brandy, the photographer who took the photos of Jacob, called a couple of weeks ago and told us what MVH wanted to do and asked for our permission to use the photos there. Of course we'd be honored to have his photos on display. She also mentioned that whenever she has been back at MVH the doctors and nurses will mention Jacob and how he/we touched them. So that’s always nice to hear. =)

I had sent a couple of little wallet sized photos in a couple of the thank yous to the doctors and nurses. I know that they have photographers come in, but I don't know that they actually ever get to see the photos that are taken. So, I'm really glad that they'll have something up about NILMDTS now since it's such a great organization. We're soooo thankful to have those memories of Jacob captured and now hopefully more parents in our situation will be blessed in that way also.

One month later. . .

It’s already been a whole month since we lost little Jacob. It all still seems a bit surreal. We were walking through the cemetery a couple of weeks ago looking at grave markers. Who would’ve ever thought young parents like us would be walking through a cemetery picking out a grave marker for our child at age 28? Based on all of the graves, apparently it happens way more than we realized. It’s strange to me how life just goes on. I often feel like I don’t know what to do with my life now. It isn’t so much because I’m just too upset or distraught to function. It’s more of the fact that for the past nine months I had been envisioning and planning what my new life would be like with two kids, getting two kids ready, taking care of a newborn and a toddler, etc. Now I have to re-route, I guess.

I’m surprised by how much I miss someone so much that I really never even got the chance to know. I barely got to hold Jacob, but I miss holding him and miss his sweet face. I’m so thankful for the photos that were taken that I have to remember him. I often wish he were here and I had the chance to raise my second son and that we were going to get his one month photos taken. I am also reminded, however, that I really don’t even know what the quality of his life would’ve been like if he would’ve made it. I wonder if it would be more difficult to have him here with me but not get to communicate and interact with him than for him to not be here at all. This gives me perspective and helps me understand our merciful God a little more. I am comforted by the fact that God has Jacob with Him where he is now whole instead of him possibly living on this earth bound by a brain and body that didn’t function properly. I was checking on the hydrocephalus chat board the other day and there was a mom who had posted about her son throwing up (indicating a shunt malfunction) and having to take him to the hospital right away. His ventricle had collapsed and he had to have an external shunt temporarily and the possibly two more shunts placed. Even though I miss Jacob, reading about that made me thankful that I don’t have to go through all of that panic and worry and that my baby doesn’t have to go through all of the pain and surgery (even though I would’ve done it in heart beat if I had the chance). It’s such a strange phase to be in. One of longing for what I can’t have, yet accepting that I don’t have it (him) because I know this is how it’s supposed to be.

I guess the point of this blog entry is to give a little insight on how I’m doing. For the most part, I really am doing pretty well. I’m generally in good spirits and enjoying this new life although a piece seems to be always missing. I have a beautiful, sweet little boy that I’m grateful for and a wonderful, caring, fun husband. Water leaks out of my eyes way more that it ever has and I sleep on a wet pillow a few nights a week. Other than that, things are pretty “normal.”

This weekend my sisters-in-law came to town and planned a special day of pampering. Lunch at Tea in the Country, facials, manicures, girl talk. . . It was a nice relaxing day. We then had dinner and cake for Scott’s 29th birthday! It was great to have them here and to help me not think about the fact that Jacob would’ve been one month old. Everyone has been so sweet and thoughtful in the different ways they have encouraged us and gone out of their way to make us feel special and loved. We are ever so grateful.

Eulogy & Poem

...Here's a eulogy written by my brother Steve and read by him at the cemetery. Below that is a poem written by my sister, J'Nelle.

Eulogy for Jacob

Thirty-three hours. That’s about how long Jacob was with us. He never let out a sound, yet his presence had a profound impact on family, friends and strangers. Reflecting on the past week, I found myself amazed that a life that is measured not in years or months or even days, but in hours, could bring about so much emotion. Jacob brought out our love and our sorrow; our hope and our fear; our sympathy and our empathy. He brought out the prayer of those who would never see him and the compassion of those who were blessed to meet him. I saw the tears from friends and coworkers at the mere thought of losing this precious child. I saw the love of parents for their own children as they heard Jacob’s story. I read the words of encouragement sent to Scott and Kira as they dealt with this difficult circumstance. I saw people reaching to God to help them understand and cope. I realized that Jacob’s life brought about an outpouring of faith. The extent of Jacob’s impact, or rather God’s impact through Jacob, has been far reaching and powerful. As the news of Jacob’s condition spread, I witnessed the outpouring of words of faith in God’s reasoning; faith that God had big plans for this tiny little boy’s brief life on earth. As we reached for God’s guidance and for clarity in understanding His design, we prayed for His influence on the doctors and hospital staff as they cared for Jacob. Ultimately, we prayed for peace for Scott and Kira as they began the grieving process. We prayed that they would find a sense of comfort in their time of despair. Isaiah 49:13 tells us “…the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion on His suffering ones.” God will comfort us in the sorrow and sense of loss that so overwhelms us in times of grief. Many of us sought the reason for all of this. How can this be right? How can God’s plan take this life away from such loving parents? In His compassion for His people, God seemed to present a glimmer of understanding after Jacob’s passing. The news that, in spite of his weak state, Jacob’s heart was strong. Strong enough, in fact, to be used to save the life of another parent’s child. Maybe this was the “why” that we all sought. Maybe it was only part of the story. Certainly, it was an answer that was needed to comfort Scott and Kira. Of course, this doesn’t erase the pain, but it reminds us that God’s plan is right and is often just too big for us to comprehend. I have taken from this the belief that we can all find a reason in Jacob’s story. For some, it has brought renewed faith. For others, it has brought appreciation for family and loved ones. Jacob’s life and how Scott and Kira have dealt with his death have drawn many to grow closer to God and, hopefully, inspired some to discover God’s love. For me, it has driven a stronger sense of purpose and a greater connection to God and family. It is my hope that everyone who has been touched by Jacob’s story will find the answer that they seek and use the experience positively. Let Jacob’s time with us be a catalyst for growth, understanding, compassion and faith. Let it drive us to care for those around us. Use it to help make a difference in this world. By trusting in God’s plan for Jacob’s life, we can honor his memory for more than mere hours. By finding strength in Jacob’s story, his memory can live for a lifetime.

Jacob’s Heart

God has a plan, and His will is right.
We hold these promises as true,
But oh how our souls become heavy
With just the thought of you.
We saw your precious nose and lips
And even held your tiny little hands,
Yet you were only ours for a time
In this world of ever-shifting sands.

While we waited to hear the outcome,
God held your heart so strong.
He knit you with precision,
For His plan was perfect all along.
Our precious baby Jacob
Into this world you came
To give amazing gifts to others.
God knows each and every name.

With heavy chests and sobs of sorrow,
We consider our great loss,
But our eyes are turned toward heaven,
Where we find peace in He who endured the cross.

Today was Jacob's funeral and it brought with it an important step in the closure process. We had been going back and forth on whether or not we wanted to see him in his current state (it was closed casket), but in the end, we just realized there could be regret either way so we might as well go for it. We did, and it was a healthy step for us. Seeing him like that was difficult and sad, but in a weird way it was good to see the lifelessness about him. ...just kind of confirming that he's no longer with us on earth.

There is much we could write about today, but we'll leave you with the words that we tried to speak to those at the service.

Thank you for being here and walking through this with us. When we think about losing Jacob, we are heart-broken over the hopes we had for his life… getting to see him grow up with Brody, seeing his personality develop, which one of us he would more closely resemble, and the kind of man he would one day become. We will always wish we could have had more time to know him, and we will always wonder, what if.

Yet, we are so thankful for the 33 hrs that we had. We are grateful that he held on through nine months of pregnancy so that we could meet him, even in his imperfect state. We are grateful that another child my have life through his donated heart valves.

We are grateful to have loving and caring family and friends at our side. You have given us overwhelming support, prayerful encouragement, and perspective. Often, it has been your acts of selfless compassion and sympathy that have brought us to
tears.

Yet, as amazing as this support has been and as grateful as we are for family, friends, even this church, we know that it would all fall short if we did not have an abiding faith in and relationship with Jesus Christ. It is the truth of His word that gives us hope. Even in our sin and shortcomings, our questions and our doubts, He remains steadfast in His grace, and it is the promise of eternity laid out in His Word that brings us great joy for Jacob. He has been set free from the long list of challenges that bound him on earth, and one day, we will join with him again and have all of the why’s of God’s sovereign plan unfold before our eyes.

Thank you being here to meet and say goodbye to Jacob.

...Weird.

Here's the info on Jacob's funeral arrangements...

Calling/Visitation: 11am - 1pm, Thursday, July 17th at Muncie Alliance Church

Memorial Service: 1pm, Thursday, July 17th at Muncie Alliance Church

Burial: Immediately following the memorial service at the Gardens of Memory Cemetery.

*Muncie Alliance Church is located at 5601 W. Jackson St. Muncie, IN 47304
*Gardens of Memory Cemetery is located at 10501 North State Road 3 Muncie, Indiana 47303

We are so thankful to have these images to help us remember Jacob. ...A friend of ours knew about an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and she arranged for one of their photographers (Brandy Ellen) to rush to the hospital for us on Thursday. ...In brief, this organization is a network of photographers who donate their time/skill in situations like ours. What an awesome organization. So glad our friend arranged this.

...After spending a few days at a half-way house (really just my brothers house in Dayton), we inched closer to the real world by coming home to Muncie today. The two nights at his house provided much needed rest and quiet away from the nurses checking in on us every hour. (Random Fact: It turns out when you're recovering in a hospital from child birth and you've lost that child, they put a small card on your door of petals falling from a rose.) ...We're doing OK. This whole grieving thing is still new to us, and we're kind of winging it.